July 27, 2018

There are two ways in which people classify other people in the world. There are people who are introverts and there are people who are extroverts.

The introverts are the ones who don’t open up to strangers and are shy and do not mingle with everybody so easily.

The extroverts on the other hand, are very outgoing and bold.  They manage to have a conversation with everybody even when they don’t know a single person in the room.

Today, I find that I cannot classify myself into either one of these categories. I find that I exhibit some of the characteristics of both these types of people.

I am very comfortable around some people and am very natural around them. I can crack jokes, laugh loudly, poke fun, open up about my feelings, listen to other people intently and be extremely comfortable in my own skin. I can talk to an unfamiliar crowd about something I know and I try to make them feel comfortable as well.

So, I am definitely not an introvert.

But, the behavior I just described is true for me only half the time, in front of a few people. I don’t know why that is, but, I simply shrivel up and be conscious about myself to the point of self-doubt sometimes. I try and try to not let that feeling of self-awareness and awkwardness show, but I think my body-language gives it all away. I start over-thinking everything and I feel like I am on some stage where everyone is looking at me and judging me. Sometimes, it only takes one stray comment or one look that sends my mind spiraling into a frenzy of stupid thoughts and I require multiple reassurances from my mom and multiple scoldings from my brain to calm down slightly.

Most of the time, after that day is done, I realize that my worry was all for naught and no one was really bothering about me at all, but I still don’t learn.

So that means, I am definitely not an extrovert, too!

This behavior of contrasts disturbs me very much. I am unable to label myself. I feel like I am too harsh on myself but I not able to do anything about it.

The most baffling thing is, the brain that scolds me for over-thinking, helps me to over-think in the first place.

Another surprising thing is that, I absolutely and completely forget my awkward self around some people.

Am I that one freak who cannot be classified and is condemned to this life of contrasting behavior forever?

Or I am I not alone?

Bengaluru, Karnataka, India

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One thought on “Behavior of Contrasts

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